All my childhood I can’t remember trusting anyone with me. My best guess is I wasn’t sure anyone could or would adequately protect me. My response to hurt was not to find protection, but to resolve I wouldn’t allow others close enough to hurt me. I’m the classic child who thought he could protect himself, protect his heart, control his pain. It took many years after I knew Jesus was real before I could risk believing in Him. I knew what it would cost me. It was all or nothing. It terrified me.
I’m left still today with scars. If you know me well, you have seen insecurity, jealousy, self-protection, lashing out when something appears to threaten me, intense over-reactive to hurt, slight, or disrespect. And there’s shame, a tendency to hide, and a knee jerk reaction to run away from those who hurt me. Oh, and Stacey says I still can “freak out” on occasion.
1 word is bringing me to health, maturity, healing-beautiful relationships-in these last 20 years. Trust
We grow in trust. But trust is nearly everything. Love follows it. Peace, health, freedom, beauty, joy, purpose, fulfillment, delight, worship, contentment, grace, relationships, safety, love and the ability to be loved. So this may be the most important question most believers can ask: “God, do I trust you w/my daily life?”
This trust is not-“do I believe in You, do I believe in heaven, do I believe John 3:16, do I think you exist, do I think Jesus died on the cross. Not am I forgiven?” But based upon all of that truth, “Do I trust You with my world?”
I hear many us say, “I trust God, I just don’t trust Him in this particular area.” Hmmm. (interpretation) “I only don’t trust Him in the things that are important to me.” I trust He can keep the pit inside the cherry and that fish will not come onto land to sing show tunes. “But the things that matter deeply to me, I’m not sure He understands correctly, that He has enough power, that He cares enough, that He won’t manipulate me under the banner of “teaching me something”, that He really loves me enough, that I haven’t done something too wrong, or that I haven’t asked correctly, or that this will turn out in a way that won’t devastate me…or that He is really there.”
Now, we’re starting to be honest. So, while we’re at it, why don’t we admit why we don’t trust Him?
- I don’t like some of the things He’s done in the past
- I don’t, quite often, like His timing
- I’ve asked for so many things He didn’t give me
- He’s given me things I don’t like that I didn’t ask for
- I seem to often be able to pull things off without Him
- I feel vulnerable and not in control. I hate that feeling
- I don’t know if He’s really for me
- I don’t know if He really does stuff like the old days
- I don’t know what trust looks like-do I just sit in a chair?
So, what’s your alternative? Like the friend of our family who said when she was little: “I want Him to be in charge while I’m sleeping and I’ll be in charge when I’m awake.”
But in the Psalms King David cries out to us…there is a quality of life when we trust Him. Ps. 31:14/15
“But I trust in you, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hand;”
He’s saying, “I’ve made a choice to place every single event, every moment of my life into your hands, trusting you with all that is most important to me. I choose to face every single event that threatens to undo me by confessing, “When I am afraid, I will remember again who you are, and I will in that moment choose to trust You.”
What I must remember:
- What He’s already done on my behalf even with my limited trust
- What He will do with every hard, sad, bad thing. Ro. 8:28
- How wise and good He looks the further I get from the event
- The alternative: A self-willed, self-absorbed, self-protective, self-attentive, self-loved, selfish, insecure, lonely life.
- He’s better, loves more, has more power, understands better, has better perspective, isn’t unhealthy, cares more than you about you, will not make a mistake, will not fail, sees everything, never causes tragedy just to get your attention, loves you more than every created thing end to end.
Mon, August 10, 2009
by David Pinkerton filed under