All the Ships in the Harbor

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All the Ships in the Harbor

I actually think I caused more interpersonal damage in my 30s and 40s as a believer trying to do meaningful things for God, than I ever did as a dope chain smoking, whipped-cream-aerosol- inhaling atheist in my 20s.

(…Well, there goes our attempts to get me booked in larger Christian venues.)

There is something disproportionately damaging when newly discovered capacity, gifting and talent is mixed with a sincere but immature ambition, clutching to a lofty spiritual goal.

I need to clarify. During those two decades I loved Jesus immensely. Not all my motives were self-centered. I had some of the greatest friends on the planet. We got to do some really rare, wonderful God things. We had more fun than any group of people should be allowed. In truth, I would probably do most all of it again. But I hurt some people…some I fear irreparably. I still look back and wonder how much beauty was squandered as we each slowly had to take our gloves and bats and go find something else to do with our time and gifts and love.

I’m now 59. I’m still capable of causing hurt, of burning all the ships in the harbor on any given day. I wish I could have another chance with that same group of people. I’m pretty sure I’ll never know a group like them again. I know they would say they love me and look back with great delight on our pictures of what we got to do. But if they had to answer honestly they might admit that my stubborn pride and need to be right eventually robbed a lot of the dream. I’m not blaming myself for the war in Vietnam, but this is my life. And unless my theology is way off, you only get one of them. So, allow me a moment to reflect. And give yourself a moment at this wayside to reflect, before you unwittingly risk spoiling a season you were made for.

Maybe being around the wise has had some impact. Maybe living in an environment of grace has broken through. Maybe this “Christ in me” reality does inevitably mature us over time. Maybe I’m now just too tired and my feet hurt-but I don’t see life the same now. Here’s what I didn’t know then, that I now know for minutes at a time.

*I preached grace and lived it with great affirmation and goodness…when there was little conflict. But I did not understand the power of grace to handle sin or broken dreams.

*I didn’t understand the sovereign, perfect and perfectly loving intention and ability of God. I didn’t yet trust that God was completely able to do His best for me, in His way and in His time, without me manipulating or overpowering the situation.

*I didn’t like His pace, or the influence He didn’t give, so I tried to create my own.

*I fought those who didn’t see it my way. I thought they would ruin this beautiful dream God had given us. In truth, the dream He had given us was us, getting to do whatever we did, together, in great love and delight.

*I didn’t allow almost anyone to tell me how I was affecting them. I am not easy to tell hard things to. People have had to dance around me, in trying to protect me, most of my life. I hate that. But I can at least now type the letters onto a page describing it.

*I had too much to lose. To fail, to not reach our goal, would further cement my shame story-that I wasn’t a person worthy of God doing something incredible through.

*I made myself the issue. That’s what seems to always happen when unresolved issues meet conflict or difficulty. People were reacting to me instead of us solving the actual problems, so we could go forward.

*I wanted to be great. Dang it! I did not want to write that. Wait, there’s more. I still want to be great. I’ve told people I’m free of that. But I’m not. I want every man, woman and child in the free world to think I’m the greatest human since Jimmy Dean. It’s just that back then I didn’t know how to give others access to me to look at what was behind that self-centeredness.

*I didn’t yet believe if you knew the worst about me that you would love me more, not less…so I was forced to try to figure out and fix my stuff on my own, while appearing to be deeply invested in allowing others in.

*I thought I was justified in my overbearing, overly-emotional response to being wronged.

*I was really quick and good with my words and could do great damage before anyone even knew what was happening. I could sound absolutely right and be absolutely wrong.

So there. There’s the seedy underbelly that those really close to me have come to know.

Here’s the deal. I don’t think maturity is about any of these messed up things getting fixed. I believe I’ll have many of them, in some measure, for the rest of my life. It’s my particular, built-in mixture of pain, unbelief, family, hurt, loss, and the Cuban missile crisis back in 62. But I am growing up. That simply means I am learning to receive the love of some trusted others. I am risking against incredible fear that it is possible that some others can know the worst about me and not have it cause them to love me less, but beautifully more. I’m telling on myself, telling the hidden failure I’m intending and watching the cycle get stopped in its tracks.

It’s not a straight line. It’s messy. My own son Caleb recently had to step into the ring with his dad and patiently and gently call me out when I was powering up with some hobbyhorse or other.

But the shame story is slowly being dismantled. I’m healthier and more free to love and give up and let go of than at any other time of my life. This is Christ in me.

And I’ve got protectors who are in it for the long haul. They know me. And they know how to call me off ledges and kindly kick me under the table when I start ramping up.

I used to think I squandered the best years I’d ever be given through my immaturity. And that the rest of the life would be just filler until I discovered coconut cream pie in the rest home. But I’m starting to wonder if growing health brings the hope of new seasons…if God times healing and maturity to match the wonder of new glimpses of destiny.

Anyway, I’ve got that going for me.

John, one of the three amigos, in the ever-growing community of grace.



Posted on Thu, April 19, 2012 by John Lynch

9 comments (Add your own)

1. Garvisa Stroud wrote:
John, you are so right, I believe. It is God who has begun this good work in us and He is faithful to complete it in His time. I was just sharing with "my girls" the other day about this grace journey being messy-that everything God says about and as has done for us is true for and in us. We are new creations, righteous and all the rest of the wonderful truths we read BUT maturing in that means, as I trust that it could possibly be true in me, it will begin to be seen in my actions outwardly eventually. I believe that God uses our trusting Him although imperfectly all along the way to bless others even at the messiest of times.

I didn't know you in those years you referenced but I believe the man I know now is who he is because of those years. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable and real. It makes you so approachable and I believe your example makes others want to risk doing the same. You are loved and I think you are great and so does your DAD! Thanks for trusting Him in you and for leading others in doing the same!

Thu, April 19, 2012 @ 4:03 AM

2. Angie Platten wrote:
Only God knows how much I love you, John Lynch. You are the big brother I wanted my entire life.... You and Bruce Walberer. :) Thank you God, for who you have made John Lynch!

And hey, all that wanting to be famous... well guess what? You sorta' are. I mean, it may look a little different than you originally imagine but the truth is, when you go beyond the rest home and hit that table of every pie imaginable in eternity, we would have to rent the coliseum to try to house all of those whose lives you have touched through yours. It would be the longest memorial service in history as each person fights to share how God used you to impact their lives. We'd be there for months. It would start resembling a refugee camp, we'd be there so long. And God would have to trump the miracle of feeding the 5000 because there'd be so many more for multiple meals... and just think of feeding all those people for months while we all praise God for your life! Well, guess that would be a little like heaven now, wouldn't it?! See? All the fame you ever wanted really is happening... it's just that Jesus is getting all the glory and it looks a little different than your long ago plan. But it's better. Way better and more beautiful. And good grief, you jet across the country all the time standing before crowds hungry to listen to what God has to say through you. Amazing! Just AMAZING! (And, by the way, I have mixed feelings about this because I miss you so much when you are not here!)

You shine, John Lynch. Jesus in you shines bright. So, so proud of you. Proud you are my friend and big brother. I'm so excited to watch how God is using you. I feel giddy! :)

Thu, April 19, 2012 @ 4:35 AM

3. Rebekah Grace wrote:
This kind of post reminds me why I'm so danged honest, have been all my life. Sure it scares the bejeezus out of some people. Can I say that? Bejeezus? Or is that considered in vain? Well, either way, I just said it. And twice. Anyhoo...back to honesty....there was a time in my life, ahem and even now, where my honesty knows no filter. Just my way of showing up people that I've got their number. In a more humble way it's also my way of proving to them that I already know the worst about me, so I'll tell you first the most ugly thing about me so you won't have to. Or at the very most, please don't.....because I already know.

Here you are, telling these things about you, and that first line made me laugh out loud, so thank you!! It's this vulnerability and authenticity that strikes my heart at its core. When we share these kinds of things about ourselves it opens the door for others to say things like, 'Yeah about that......", or "You know I always wanted to talk to you about......" That's me, just fearing backlash of my honest vulnerability. Or worse......chirp, chirp, chirp. You put yourself out there and no one gives a damn. Can I say that? Damn? Well, I just did. And twice.

John, there's just something about your honesty diluted with humor and smothered in grace that makes me love ya, even the dope smokin' athiest in your past. And no, I'm not your son who knows far more about you than I do, I know my own daughter's call me out all the time *sigh*......but for fear of feeding the monster, I'll tell you that you are the one.....the messages on grace through ODF....where God started opening my eyes to Himself in real time. So, in my little world your name is used often. But never in vain :)

Thanks for being you! And thank Caleb for us too.

Thu, April 19, 2012 @ 5:05 AM

4. Bob Ryan wrote:
Jumpin' Johnny:
Good words. All true. All a part of His grace to you.
And all, in some way, I could say about myself or any number of us who were with you in that season. Or this. Or any to come.

I also want to mention mackerel and hat blocking. Done.

BR

Thu, April 19, 2012 @ 5:47 AM

5. Clay Griffith wrote:
I can relate so well to many of these, esp. these:
*I didn’t like His pace, or the influence He didn’t give, so I tried to create my own.*I thought I was justified in my overbearing, overly-emotional response to being wronged.
*I was really quick and good with my words and could do great damage before anyone even knew what was happening.

@John: Excellent words my friend. Love your honesty and openness. As for those currently residing in rooms of good intentions around the world, I hope they will find the freedom in this kind of honesty. I get claustrophobic just thinking about it. Am I the only one longing for a little cool whip right now?

@Rebekah, my sista from anotha motha: more all the time I wonder how many more of us there are out there, like you and I.

Thu, April 19, 2012 @ 9:35 AM

6. Patti Renwick wrote:
Awwww, bros! Is that all?? In a world that topedoes forward into lies and deceit and calls it truth, I think we can all say that our arms are around you with even more of His love than ever. All of us learn the law of cause and effect and the hurt we can cause or the hurt others cause us. But not all of us are willing to admit it. In your vulnerability, you do us proud! So many others live in guilt and shame and can't climb out. You give hope and joy! Thank God that you are the wonderfully quirky guy that you are! We love that about you because you teach us to love and hope in Him within us! For ourselves and those who have caused our pain!! Your vulnerability and love with the quirkiness is a Holy combination. You allow us to examine ourselves and freely with love and through the lense of HisGrace!. And hope! All things work together for our good......Believe and receive it!!

Thu, April 19, 2012 @ 11:21 AM

7. Russell, Coastal Oregon wrote:
"But I’m starting to wonder if growing health brings the hope of new seasons…if God times healing and maturity to match the wonder of new glimpses of destiny." We dont have to wonder, the Word shows us a few old farts like Moses who's destiny came fresh and new, and late. No coconut cream pie there. Its the same story for many of us. Been saved for 30+ years with lots of seasons of fellowship in different parts of the body, some great things acomplished, and yet, just getting in the last few years to the point of true authenticity. Learning to trust God and others with who I am and ditching the shame. Trusting what Gods word says about me.

Deep and rich John. Had to reread several times to get it all in. Whew!

Thu, April 19, 2012 @ 8:32 PM

8. wrote:
Thought on the book The Cure

Wed, April 25, 2012 @ 11:27 AM

9. Marquess wrote:
I want to finish my toghhut here. If God treated us fairly Jesus would have never died on the cross. and we would have never been offered salvation. I praise God that He loves me, He never fails me and He goes to plan B and on. Look ho w He blessed Israel, they sinned and went away from God countless times, but He was faithful and loved them any way. Romans 5:8 But God commended His love toward us, in that while we were sinners Christ died for us. Praise be to God!

Wed, November 21, 2012 @ 6:07 PM

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