Trans World Radio, Singapore

One of my mentors gave me a book called The Ascent of the Leader, authored by Bill Thrall and Bruce McNicol of Truefaced and Leadership Catalyst. Since then these two and John Lynch have also written TrueFaced, Behind The Mask and Bo’s Cafe.

Reading through The Ascent of a Leader opened my eyes to facts such as ‘character development is assumed’. It helped me to see why many in leadership fail. I also learnt it is important to lead from ‘who I am in Christ’ and see His character develop in me which is a fascinating discovery. As I looked at the Character Ladder it showed me the DNA of Christ on earth. While I never thought I would be meeting the authors who wrote this book, it turned out to be a surprise that I eventually met them. To my surprise, the president of Trans World Radio (TWR), Lauren Libby invited Bill Thrall to speak to the TWR Global Leadership Team, of which I am a member.

Listening to Bill explain the environment of grace and relationship of grace made me question the theology that I have from my own faith background. In my own journey with the Lord I have done extensive studies on ‘righteousness’ and the ‘believers mind’ and had a number of questions on my mind that needed clear answers. I for one saw a clear disconnect between positional and practical teaching of truth in the churches where I have been. I realised that probably Bill was connecting the dots for me, but I need to be sure. For example, when I heard a statement, ‘A saint who sins’ it caused a lot of struggle in me to accept that statement, however, when I read the book True Faced, things started to fall in place for me.

I saw myself in a ‘sin management’ position, and the shame that I try to hide, the guilt I live with, and the masks that I was wearing. Twenty years ago I accepted the Lord, and looking back at those years, I have served the Lord, but I would say my life always revolved around managing sin, and sometimes even doubting my own salvation. I struggled to understand and live who God says I am, because I doubted if God says I am his child, then why do I still struggle with sin. There are times that I felt that the moment I accepted Christ, I should be changed to not sinning mode. I decided to contact Bill to learn intensively on grace. He was gracious enough to host me in his home, and his wife Grace is full of grace! I learnt many things from God’s Word, that God has made me enjoy, and to live out of the Life that God has given me.

This intensive course in understanding grace enabled foundations to be laid for me. Bill called it the “miracles of the cross.” I learnt how God has already changed me and now all I need to do is to mature in the DNA of Christ who is in me. This one truth enabled me to enter into a new world of my faith. Because all this while I was trying to change my ‘old me’ to the ‘new me’ rather than living out who I am already changed to; all of a sudden it clearly dawned on me that we have taken the simple relationship that Christ has enabled for us to have with him into theological concepts and ideas for our own understanding, but we have not realised that it was only leading us to become performance-driven persons, trying to please God, but often failing and feeling guilty, and we get on a rollercoaster ride in our faith, rather than trusting who God says I am – which is the true essence of pleasing the Lord.

The process of maturing enabled me to learn that Christlikeness is developed in relationships, first with the Lord and with others. The need for me to trust the Lord and others with me dawned as fresh wave of air, as I learnt that words such as humility, submission, obedience, suffering and exaltation are all relationship words.
In this intensive, I walked through modules that enabled me to see the meaning of righteousness and holiness in two new ways. Righteousness is imparted to me and that enables me to receive and give love. Holiness is living without anything hidden in us. For sin thrives in darkness, but to live in light is to trust others in an environment of grace, where I can tell what is true about me to others and to live in light. Coming from an Indian cultural background makes it even more difficult for me to live in the open, for shame defines a lot of meanings in my culture. But I have talked about the importance of living without hiding to my wife. Sometimes when I share the thoughts that are not healthy going on in my mind with my wife, she is shocked that I would even say that out loud, but for me it is liberating, once I do, that ‘sin’ no longer has power over that thought. My wife also now appreciates knowing the importance of living without anything hidden in a person, which is living in holiness.

As I was learning these Truefaced truths of grace, I felt as if something holding on to me is gone and I am free now, and ever since I came back from this training, I have experienced much joy and freedom to live out who God says I am. I now know that only through the Holy Spirit can I deal with sin. So, standing together with God with my sin in front of me, He enables me to take care of it. More than that I have come to realise His dream for me. God has put me in a place of influence in my home, my church, my ministry in SE Asia, and with my family. He has given me the gift of grace to develop high-trust-based relationships in an environment of grace. I see every relational situation is an opportunity to mature, to reflect Christ to others.

I have shared the importance of this grace with my parents, I have started to do this with my colleagues. I will be preaching to a Tamil congregation in Singapore, and will be speaking in a Easter Bible camp in Malaysia.

It has become clear to me that there is a need to even change the way we share the Gospel. It is unfortunate that we have put the gospel as a message and into a formula rather than a relationship that leads us to live the newness of life in Christ Jesus.

In my work, I do much research and I find that church programs or activities, even sermons have little effectiveness in enabling a person to mature in Christ, but when there is an environment of grace, where we have relationship of trusts, this is where genuine growth takes place. It always surprises me when some of my church friends will call me and ask me to help them because they trust me. I wonder and ask them why they had not gone to their elders and pastors. Their answer is, “They will not understand us, we will be judged, we cannot trust them.” I see living out a life of grace is contagious. It gives us an opportunity to be the fragrance of Christ to a hurt soul.

I will continue on this journey and let the Lord mature me and shape me to be who He has predestined me to be. It helps me as a leader to realise the importance of letting God shape the Christ-likeness in me so that His name alone would be glorified. In a nutshell learning this relational theology of grace enabled me to connect the dots, and now frees me to enjoy the newness of life that has been bestowed to me. Guess what I can write a court-room drama on Romans and a soap opera from the epistles of John, for in both these texts principles of grace are marvellously portrayed.

I personally believe that the Leadership Catalyst teaches grace in a more profound way, and today every believer needs to hear it, otherwise ‘masks’ will determine our identities and we will be the Pharisees of the 21at century church history.

For more than twenty years I relegated Grace to an academic concept, safely buried in commentaries that belonged and stayed on shelves.

You see, I already knew about Grace. And I knew that I was the one person for whom it didn’t extend quite far enough over the chasm. My best shot at Heaven was to get a running start, jump like an Olympian, and skid in to the standing room only section in back before the pearly gates were shut. In short, I knew that because I was more flawed than any other Christian in history it would be up to me. Sound Familiar?

The liar was always available to remind me of how abhorrent my sin was and that if anyone ever knew a fraction of what went through my head I’d be launched off the proverbial island at rocket speed. He reminded me that I was hopeless, that God merely tolerated me at best. And I agreed with him. Grace was apparently not an option for me. Silenced by shame, I told one.

Well there’s only so long we can “manage” sin on our own before it spirals out of control. Cutting to the chase, I could see that barring a major course correction, it was only a matter of time until I ran my ship into the ground at full speed, jeopardizing everything I loved – especially my family. I was terrified and took the “drastic” step of meeting with a counselor as quickly as possible. What did I have to lose? I remember walking into his office and blurting out four words: “Tell me there’s hope.”

I’d been getting together regularly with a handful of guys for over a year to talk & pray. But I hadn’t let them see inside. It was now or never. I remember that evening well. I remember feeling like I was pulling the pin on a grenade that would destroy the friendships dearest to me. I remember opening up, tossing my story into the room, and waiting for them to walk out. But they didn’t. Instead, they thanked me. They told me they loved me and felt honored that I would invite them into my darkness. This made no sense. Here I’d just vomited my sin all over their laps, and they were gathering around to lay hands on me. I was overwhelmed, undone. God wanted me to feel His touch, to experience both His Grace and Love in a visceral way. Receiving Grace requires that we dare to both Hope and Trust.

Seven years later, our group has changed. We’re not an accountability group. Life is about much more than what one has or hasn’t seen on the internet. We Walk Life Together. It’s 24 x 7. Each of us has encountered some pretty brutal stuff along the way. Sharing the journey so intimately has changed us. It’s when we’ve been the most vulnerable that we have so richly experienced the Grace and Love of God.

The four of us meet Wednesday evenings at 9 in one of our homes. We protect this time. We go away together for a weekend at least annually. We’re vigilant about Confidentiality. A five-word sequence best describes our model: Trust => Confession => Repentance => Freedom => Joy. None of this is instant, a one-time shot, or to be walked alone. We have shared tears in parking lots, celebrated the births of children, buried parents, painted houses, downed a lot of coffee & brownies, listened & counseled when marriages have been in trouble, prayed for each other’s children, called one another to confess sin, laughed our heads off together, been there in the ER at midnight, hurt each other, apologized, extended & received forgiveness, and shared our dreams.

These men are my brothers. Being known by and knowing them has fostered an environment in which we have learned to live in Grace. While not for the faint of heart, it brings Joy and frees us to be dangerous for the Kingdom.

FINDINGbalance

Grappling with Grace…

June 11th, 2010

http://blog.findingbalance.com/

Hey FINDINGbalance Friends! I just returned from Fb’s amazing Hungry for Hope Conference in Colorado Springs. If you didn’t attend this year, be very sorry you didn’t and get your behind there next year! It is for sure something NOT to be missed! Hopefully, there will be some sort of re-cap, photos, and maybe even downloads available from our fearless leader Constance soon

All of us who were at HFH were blessed to hear John Lynch speak. If you haven’t heard him speak, you need to.

If you haven’t read his book or gone to his website TrueFaced, you need to.

This past winter my Bible Study chose a book on grace for Bible Study. Something like “Lord we need Grace to get through the day.” We chose it because we all longed to understand this word grace better in our daily lives. It unfortunately didn’t deliver or offer the kind of radical understanding of grace we longed for. The book didn’t shed any new light for any of us and we ditched it halfway through.

Maybe I will never understand this enigma of a word. I thought.

Maybe we aren’t meant to really comprehend it until heaven. I pondered.

Maybe I have to clean up my act to really understand grace. I also scolded.

Then John Lynch spoke on this subject last weekend and I felt the scales of confusion fall off my eyes. I am not sure if I can accurately even explain what he said, or really what I heard. But what I took away from it all was this…

God’s Grace is bigger than my sin.

Bigger than my failures.

Bigger than my theologically confused mind.

I knew this and had heard it before, but for some reason this time it hit my heart. To understand grace is necessary to live in this life as a believer. To really really look at it, touch it, feel it, and taste it. It is OURS for the taking! If we are willing to receive it.

The question I grapple with is, “what if I believe it? What if I believe that when Jesus said, My Grace is sufficient…he meant it?”

2 Corinthians 12:9 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”’

Or how about Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

He meant it. Nawwww I think. Too dangerous to believe this 100%! To really depend on this. Awww, but that is what faith is!

To rest in this every day, to be able to really live out FROM this verse. That would only be possible with the power from JC!

Don’t confuse this. This doesn’t mean believing it and then not having needs, but more importantly resting in this room of grace and starting to live FROM it. To spring up from the grace that God gives me everyday and then give it to others. Hmmmn good thoughts and prayers to chew on. Stuff I am chewing on right now.

Then to end his talk John read something called, “The New Testament Gamble.” It is in his book TrueFace that I highly recommend.

I have taken liberty to change the words “they” to “you”…to make it more personal. It is one of the most accurate and understandable descriptions of grace I have ever heard and understood. I hope you enjoy it like I do!

May your eyes open with God’s grace every day and may your head rest on the pillow of God’s grace every night!

Lee

From TrueFaced

“We discover in The Room of Grace that the almost unthinkable has happened. God has shown all of his cards. He reveals a breathtaking protection that brings us out of hiding. In essence, God says, “What if I tell you who you are? What if I take away any element of fear in condemnation, judgment, or rejection? What if I tell you I love you and will always love you? That I love you right now, no matter what you have done, as much as I love my only son? That there is nothing you can do to make my love go away?

What if I tell you there are not lists? What if I tell you I don’t keep a log of past offenses, of how little you pray, how often you have let me down, made promises that you didn’t keep? What if I tell you …you are righteous with my righteousness, right now? What if I tell you …you can stop beating yourselves up? You can stop being so formal, stiff, and jumpy around me? What if I tell you, I am CRAZY about you!”

To read the rest of the New Testament “Gamble” you will have to purchase the book. But, trust me…you won’t be disappointed.

Growing up as a 2nd generation Asian-American Christian, I was brought up in a culture deeply rooted in shame along with a theological framework that is often more shame-driven than grace-driven. In other words, I had to be someone “better” than who I was if I wanted to be accepted and valued by God and by others. Being me wasn’t enough—I had too many flaws, weaknesses, and imperfections.

I was burdened to accomplish and achieve as much as I possibly could. I was determined and motivated to succeed in everything I did whether it was academics, athletics, appearance, relationships, or career. I excelled through college where I earned a Business-Economics degree from U.C.L.A. I excelled in my relationships; and I excelled in my career as an accountant. Even after I stepped away from accounting to pursue a life in occupational ministry, I strove for perfection as a seminary student, as a Pastor, and eventually, even as a husband and father.

Yet no matter how much I accomplished, it was never enough. I was still imperfect.
Then I heard the message of grace. For the very first time I was introduced to the reality that I was indeed “good enough.” I didn’t have to earn God’s love. I didn’t have to work on my imperfections by myself. I was free to be me. I was free to live out of who God says I am.

I discovered a passion to communicate this reality to those who are still burdened and imprisoned by their shame and fear. It’s why, as a Pastor, I love seeing the faces of people when they hear the message for the very first time. I love hearing their responses when they’re awakened to their own struggle with shame and with fear. Most of all, I love the celebration that occurs when we begin to experience grace in our lives, with God and with one another.

It was September of 2004. I had just been given notice that my job of almost 15 years had just been shutdown and along with 300 other personal, I was out of a job. It was only four more months and then I would retire. And I found myself sitting next to my wife in an Oncologist’s office in Castro Valley, California. The term, oncology was no stranger to my thoughts, however it was not a term that I was used to using for describing my health problems…the doctor came in and sat down and began by stating, ”I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news: you’ve got Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (CLL). The good news, it is the slow growing kind and you probably have 5-7 years before you’ll have to take action.” (Eight months later, I would find out that I was in the fourth and last stage of CLL.)

As the news sunk in, I buried my head in my hands, with my eyes closed, and I mentally saw two white clothed arms reach down and with two large hands grasp an hourglass and turn it over for – what seemed to me – to be the last time. I whispered a short prayer asking the Lord: In the time left, what can I do of significance for you? In this exchange with my Lord, I was, and still am, amazed at the calmness that I experienced when I received the news.

This new reality had me reflecting on my life experiences. I was taken from my birth family at the age of 2 ½ years, shortly after my mother had passed away giving birth to her eleventh child. The ensuing years would be filled with verbal and physical abuse. I longed for my birth mother, often crying myself to sleep as sounds of arguing filtered through my bedroom door. Often, there was public embarrassment by my adoptive father and overt criticism of my lack of capacity for achieving good grades in school. I would hear phrases such as, “You dumb bunny, why can’t you be smart like your friends, you will never amount to anything or; I’m embarrassed for you”. These phrases burned deep in my mind. I tried hard to please my parents but each time I was met with, “You can do better than that!” I never heard a “great job” or “we are so proud of you” or for that matter, “we love you”.

This was the past that I struggled with. How do I understand what love and acceptance is? I understood that God was a loving Father, yet I had no earthly example of that love.
It was during the last days of my chemo treatments when I met a facilitator with a group called Healing the Wounded Person (HWP). In this group, the facilitator encouraged me to address the issues relating to my adoptive father. I was encouraged to write my father a letter-even though he was dead as a result of suicide. I struggled for several days. As I was finishing up the letter, a realization struck me; my adoptive parents had stolen the joy of my Salvation and Christian living.

At the end of the HWP I was given a book titled TrueFaced. I found enough energy while still in last days of chemo, to open the book and read. There was so much to absorb that I had to put the book down and work through what I had read. When I read about trusting God instead of pleasing God, tears rolled down my face. I knew that I had masks, created by the past, and I was tired and desperately wanted to be free of trying to please God and everyone else. A burden was lifted from my shoulders that day. The room of grace is now my new abiding place and oh what joy it is to be there.

I had known for quite a long time that I had a story to write. Too many things had happened to me and evidence of God’s presence and protection was scattered throughout my life, even before I gave my life to Christ. My fear of putting my thoughts on paper for all to read was my excuse. My inability to trust others with who I really am was a monumental stumbling block.

Then John Lynch came to our church and spoke of the masks that we all wear. He spoke of the grace that God was beginning to show me. He was so open and real in sharing about his shortcomings, his failures and his story. It resonated within me on a deep, deep level. I signed up for the TrueFaced study shortly after and I began to choose a different walk.

First I started to write my testimony to share my story with others. The problem was that it refused to be a testimony. Before my eyes it turned a book. It was amazing! From August to December I wrote an entire book. God provided an editor, along with a publisher and the following July Broken became a reality.

As I went through the process of becoming transparent, several things happened. I first realized that God was with me long before I gave my life to him. I learned that he had protected me in my worst moments and that rather than waiting for me to behave, he was waiting for me to turn my life over to him. I also began to realize that in my transparency I could teach other women about grace and about relationship with God.

I began to host captivating studies in my home. I began to host Bible studies. I began to write articles. I led women’s ministry in our church. I became a Christian women’s life coach and began to mentor women over a period of years. I began to write about my relationship with God in a blog. I began to speak publicly and privately to anyone who would listen (and a few who would not) about my Jesus and the hope that he offers.

I have an audacious dream of having a working ranch for battered and abused women and their children. A place where they will come to understand who it is that God intended them to be and to become equipped to fulfill their destinies. I know that God is my dream giver and that all things work together for good to those who are called according to his purpose.

I am so thankful for the Leadership Catalyst/TrueFaced Team, for their willingness to be true-faced and to teach others about the grace of God. It has been life changing for me and for many others. God is not only my Redeemer he is my Restorer. Our God reigns!

A late in life surprise has transformed my perspective and lifestyle. From early childhood I had known and experienced the grace of God through salvation in Jesus Christ. Intentionally and with satisfaction to the degree I had been taught about spiritual matters I walked with God. Spiritual disciplines were my guide, instead of using grace as my primary compass.
It wasn’t until midlife when many of life’s experiences had painfully wedged their way into my heart that I was introduced to a grace based approach to all of life. I learned that grace wasn’t just a gift from God but a lifestyle to be practiced in all relationships of life. The TrueFaced teaching on grace was the most enlightening and freeing lesson I had ever heard. The emotional injuries that I thought I had dismissed or resolved from my past surfaced as I listened to welcome messages on grace. Through the TrueFaced messages and the real life stories I saw, for the first time, grace at a horizontal level. Grace and not just good intentions or disciplines was the model for relating to others. I felt the love, freedom and acceptance of grace that is practiced as well as received.

I couldn’t stop the flow of tears triggered by my first encounter and understanding of the joyful freedom of living in grace. The TrueFaced team taught how me to relate to others in grace and not from a performance standard.

My husband and I were starving for more of this grace experience, so since that initial exposure we have continued our pursuit of the meaning and practice of the Truefaced teachings and counsel. We have experienced transformation in our marriage and in our relationships with others. Our perspective has dramatically changed from habits of criticism to more understanding and acceptance of others. We have greater marital harmony and less tension between us. We have been given the perspective and tools to relate in openness and peace with others. We have been set free to be and share who we really are. Our desire is to practice grace as well as be recipients of God’s grace.

Our growth will take the rest of our lives as we relax into God’s arms of grace and live out of the dwelling Christ within. Our spiritual journey started and continued for many years on a performance basis but we look forward to finishing life with grace as our guide in our relationship with the Lord and everyone else.

I grew up in a home where my father didn’t want me. He told me I was stupid and that I never should have been born. His treatment of me dealt a blow to my self-worth. To make matters worse I thought I had to have my father’s love and acceptance before I could be happy

At the age of 13, I asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart because I feared going to hell. My relationship with my heavenly Father sputtered from the beginning because I could not believe God could love me and accept me. I devalued any positive thing God said about me in His word as I didn’t believe it could be true about me. The result was that I lived a life of trying to earn my earthly father’s love and my heavenly Father’s love. Constantly trying to earn love and approval but never measuring up and never figuring out how to get God and my father to love me led to depression.

At the age of 35, I sat under the teaching of a professor who graciously taught me how God loved and accepted me. He taught me that it was on the basis of what Jesus did, His death and resurrection, which gave evidence of His love for me. There was nothing I could do that would earn that love. I was always acceptable to God because of Jesus!

That teaching went against what I experienced from my earthly father and what my feelings told me. One evening the professor said, “If anyone says something about you and even if you believe it is true, if God doesn’t say it then it isn’t true.”

In the next three weeks I read the Bible cover to cover looking for chapter and verse where God said I was stupid and should not have been born. When I finished, I discovered that God had never said that about me. So now I had a problem…who was I to believe? I remember saying to God, “My father believes I’m stupid and never should have been born. I believe that, but You don’t say that, and from this night forward You are going to be the authority for my life. Not my father, myself, or any other person.” That was the beginning of a transformation in my life as I began the process of getting my identity from God. I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to have been taught God’s Truth.

As I learned to live out my new identity in Christ, I became wonderfully free. I wanted everyone to know God’s love and acceptance and to experience that same freedom. For the past 25 years I have had the privilege of serving on our church staff, as a lay-counselor, helping women to understand who they are in Christ and replacing error with truth. What a joy it has been!

When I came across the TrueFaced materials I was so excited. It was another tool I could use to help people see God’s truth about them. My husband and I taught a class on TrueFaced. I’ve shared the material with a women’s mentoring group as well as with individuals. People still come up to me and say, “I’m fine, just as fine as I can be,” then they smile. It is so exciting to see how God uses it to set people free from the errors they believe. Once we understand grace, it changes everything. It is no longer striving to please God, to earn His love; instead it is living a life of gratitude for all He has done.

I remember my early childhood with fondness. It was an idyllic time when neighborhoods were safe and being part of a gang meant being in a gang of kids who played Kick the Can and Run Sheep Run. It was a time without televisions, computers and iPods; a time of family togetherness; listening to the Hit Parade on the radio, having taffy pulls, and summer campouts, in a tent, with none of today’s modern conveniences. Our home was filled with love and laughter and fun.
This perfect life, however, shattered when I was 11 and my mother left our family to pursue another relationship. There was no goodbye or anything that might help ease the shock of this devastating event; my sister and I came home from school one day and Mom was gone. I was distraught by the abandonment, but in my child-like thinking I blamed myself for her leaving: if only I had been a better daughter, my mother would have stayed.

Consequently, the script for my life was written! If I become a perfect person, no one will ever leave me again. I created impossible standards for myself, standards that God never intended for me. I was driven to be the perfect person and any failure was proof of my total lack of virtue and worth. I agonized over something as insignificant as a misspelled word on my grocery list and literally rewrote the list over until it was neat and error free. This impossible standard of living caused me to be judgmental toward others who did not meet my standards of perfection. I was fearful that others might discover my imperfections and if they did, I became defensive.

Undeniably, with these attitudes, I continuously set myself up for failure and rejection. Several failed relationships, the death of two infant sons, and three divorces brought me to a place of absolute brokenness. In this place of deep pain, God began to heal me and in this healing process, He also set me free from the need to perform. Through my incredible loss and pain, I came face to face with the incomprehensible grace of God.
All my attempts at perfection only succeeded in bringing shame and personal disappointment. How could God possibly love someone who failed so continually? In trying to sort through my failures, I sought the help of a counselor. This wise man looked into my pain and saw a heart in desperate need of grace. He introduced me to David Semand’s book, Healing Grace, and as I came face to face with the unconditional grace and love of God, my need for perfect performance slowly began to dissipate.

It was not an overnight healing, but a slow, sweet introduction into my Savior’s loving grace and unconditional acceptance. As I began to grasp the truth that God loved me because I was His child, and that it was impossible for me to do anything to make Him love me more, or less, I began to risk trusting His love. The amazing thing that transpired out of this place of receiving grace was that, as I learned to trust God, I began to trust that others might also love an imperfect me. Slowly, I started being real with a few close friends and to my surprise, they had always known that I wasn’t perfect and they loved me anyway. I spent the next several years learning to walk out the truth of grace and love. Ultimately, grace became the most important ingredient in my life. God then placed me in a ministry of counseling in which I have the wonderful privilege of walking people out of the performance trap (the Room of Good Intentions) into the beautiful Room of Grace (see TrueFaced). This is now my calling: To minister the love and grace of God to a hurting world. I am a steward of the grace He has so freely given me.

I was born into a football family. My dad was (and still is at 79) a football coach. I am the oldest of 5 kids. I grew up loving competition and I really loved to win! I believed the words of Vince Lombardi early on: “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.”
We moved every 2 years. It takes an incredible amount of work to survive in a new school every other year. I worked hard to figure out “the rules” in each new place. Performing well became my only hope of remaining secure.

It didn’t take long to realize I couldn’t perform perfectly or win at everything. So I began to work very hard at being competent at the things I chose to do. If I remained competent, then I was winning. To fail basically meant to lose. And why would I want to lose?
Throughout my early adult years I worked hard at life. I had loved the Lord since I was a young girl. I had a tender heart to others. I did not let people down by unfaithfulness or forgetfulness. I was excellent at executing details (and lots of them at one time). I was a committed mom – a good homemaker. I loved to care for my family and work alongside my husband in our ministry; I grew in my walk with God and my faith.

But every now and then I would hit a “season” (could be for hours, days, or weeks) where I was in a dilemma. I was becoming less sure of who the real me was and my strategy to perform well, not fail, and remain in control was increasingly difficult as life and family became more complex.

My crisis continued to grow. If anything went wrong or even poorly, I assumed it was my fault. Somewhere inside I believed if, and I mean IF, I did everything well, then life for me and those around me would go well (right, perfect). Now that is a very heavy weight to bear, and more control and responsibility than a human being can bear. It is also arrogance – to think that I would even have that much power and control such that life rose and fell with me.

In God’s great grace, through my exposure to TrueFaced/ Leadership Catalyst, I began to learn that humility is trusting God and others with me – the real me. Not the perfect me and not the me with a mask of “I am in control.”

I began to see the untruth in, “If you are weak, you are a failure.” I saw a third option where I had only had 2 before. (Buck up, fight, work hard or let go, fail, and lose.) This third option was to embrace weakness as the path to hope – as God’s invitation to more of Himself. God’s word is full of upside down realities. Could there be hope for my weary soul?

At this time I wrote in my journal, “The more I grow in Christ, the more needy I seem to become. This place of dependence is both remarkably peaceful and satisfying, and absolutely terrifying. You can be remarkably strong and experience a failure. Feeling weak does not mean I am a failure.”

As I chose repentance of my commitment to being strong, in control and performing to earn acceptance and security, I began to taste what my soul longed for – real security, rest, and freedom. I was understanding grace for the first time in my life. And as I did, I began to learn what it meant to extend grace to others.

Today I can still be tempted to earn my favor with God and people. But the truth continues to set me free. The real me is in Christ – accepted and complete in Him. Learning to trust God and others with me is a relief!

I grew up in a Christian home, and have been involved with a church my entire life. Early on I learned how to behave really, really well. I learned to be good kid. I went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night. What I remember clearly from my childhood is what Christians don’t do, and I soon began to wrongly think that the more Godly Christians were the ones who best refrained from sin and the appearance of sin. I remember growing up asking God to forgive me of my sins every night before I went to bed, because I believed the lie that for me to be right with God all my sin had to be taken care of on a daily basis, and that somehow I was disconnected from God and the Holy Spirit could not indwell me if there was sin in my life. So I began running on that treadmill. Sometimes I could stay on the treadmill for days and weeks at a time, but soon it became too exhausting. By the time I was a senior in high school I really didn’t care anymore because I could not keep up with game I was trying to play. I never rebelled, but I simply didn’t care anymore, because there was no joy in that kind of life. I now see it as God’s protective hand over me.

I went off to college, and slowly God introduced this idea of knowing and being known. My desire and yearning for God slowly began to grow again as I clumsily began to develop a relationship with him, yet at any moment I would be drawn back onto that treadmill of what I now call sin management, because that was what I was familiar with. My intentions were good, but I failed to understand my identity and how God viewed me.

I continued the cycle of sin management into my mid twenties, and around the age of twenty five I stumbled into this environment of grace. I did not understand it. My guard was up. People were wearing shorts and a t-shirt to church, and for crying out loud, there were women serving communion. Yet, week in and week out, I would hear this message of grace and identity. It sounded great. It was almost too good to be true. I ended up going through a very painful season of life that ended in divorce. Who was I now? The good Christian boy, with good Christian parents, and good Christian friends, who was viewed as a good Christian leader at his young age was another statistic of divorce. Still sitting week in and week out listening to this message of grace I began to check it out more for myself.

I decided to get more involved in this environment of grace, and not until I jumped in did this TrueFaced message begin to really impact my life. These people were ruggedly real, and I was accepted and they didn’t even know me. As I engaged the community more, the teaching became more and more alive and real, and it started to become a way of life. I felt safe enough to begin sharing things with people that I would have never dared to anywhere else.

That process began 4 years ago for me, and today I continue to get to be a part of that beautiful mess called an environment of grace where we get to try to live out of who the God declares us to be – the beloved. I now get to take this message to a local Christian college and try to create an environment of grace with a few others. The journey is challenging, but the fruit will be worth it, as it is my prayer that college students will encounter grace and take it to the ministries and professions God calls them to.

In 1984 I looked, perhaps, a lot like you. Although I was a pastor, I lived a life of hiddenness, a life of barely concealed shame: Shame caused by the secret sexual sins that plagued me, sins I would contritely and tearfully confess before God, vowing with all my heart never again to be lured into their sticky web. And then it would start all over again…

I knew the people in my congregation; however they did not know the real me. I could not let them know of my emotional insecurities, my true struggles, or that I, too, was a frequent sinner. And so, I continued to be the perfect, buttoned-down, Sunday-go-to-meetin’ Pastor on the one hand, and the vile, flesh-gratifying, self-loathing sinner on the other. My wife of 15 years knew something was wrong, but she didn’t know what it was. And then, one day, everything came crashing down around me. My sin had been discovered — publicly revealed for all to see! I had not repented; I had been caught! I instantly resigned my pastorate. Many acquaintances were suddenly “not available” when I called. The little church I had been pastoring began to splinter and, within six months of my resignation, had completely disbanded. After a year of separation, my wife divorced me, feeling that she had been completely betrayed and that the marriage bond had been irretrievably broken. In retrospect, the consequences of hiding my sin were devastating.

Wounded and broken like so many others, I stumbled through the doors of a church that understood environments of grace — because of their grasp of the message of TrueFaced. I talked with the Pastor telling him everything about what I had done. To my surprise, he did not reject me, but rather encouraged me to stay and to let God do the work necessary for my healing. I attended service, always sitting near the back, and always leaving immediately to avoid contact with anyone, for that might involve self-disclosure.

After about a year, I decided to get involved in a service ministry at church. As I got involved, our team would sometimes get into deep discussions; and they soon discovered that I had theological training. Their questions and eagerness to learn gave me release once again to talk about the truths of God’s Word! I began to see the power of God’s people trusting me and thus submitting to a strength God had given me and it felt so good!

About a year after joining this team, one of the people on it pestered me into attending a Singles’ Retreat. Although I was single by that time, I had been married for 15 years and I didn’t even really want to think about being single, let alone attend a retreat! But I went. At the retreat, God taught me an important TrueFaced principle: The need to be vulnerable with others, to allow others to see our weaknesses, so that we can be protected in those areas. One night, around the campfire, I broke my cardinal rule: I began to open up. I told the whole group about who I was, what I had done! The response was overwhelming. Immediately, others began to share more openly and to talk about their areas of need. On our way back to the cabin that night, one of the young men said to me, “Stewart, thank you for sharing what you did tonight. I knew from our earlier discussion that you had some theological training, but I obviously didn’t know anything about what had happened to you….” He continued, “I’m going to tell you something that I’m sure you know, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Don’t forget that the Bible says, ‘And the word of the Lord came to Jonah the second time saying, “Arise and go to Nineveh….”’”
I am not ashamed to tell you that I wept openly at those words. They were like a flood of forgiveness and grace washing over me. You see, when my sin had become known, the thing that really terrified me, was that I thought I would never again be able to do the one thing that I’d dreamed of and trained for all my life: to teach the word of God to God’s people. That night I finally began actually to believe what Paul says: “The gifts and calling of God are irrevocable.” God was not “through” with me!

God’s grace saves people — and not just unbelievers! It saves believers too! It saved me! Today, I am heavily involved in the Adult Education ministry at a church, where I even get to preach from time to time, and my life is filled with people who know and love me and whom I know and love — people with whom I can be TrueFaced!

I am at the stage of life where I have more history than future! As I get older I find that dramatic, life changing “before and after” experiences tend not to be the norm. But don’t confuse this statement with meaningful change not taking place. Now, change is a more lengthy process. There is more history to overcome, more entrenched thought patterns that need to be transformed.
While attending a weekend at a TrueFaced seminar, some very potent seeds were planted that began to germinate over the years that followed. The metaphor of two paths, as told so dramatically by John Lynch and reinforced by Bruce McNicol and Bill Thrall, was most instructive. The first path, “Pleasing God leading to the Room of Good Intentions and Striving To All God Wants Me To Be”, described my mindset and with it the only too predictable outcome. By this time I knew every twist and turn of that meandering path. The second alternative path, “Trusting God leading to the Throne Room of Grace and Living Out Who God Says I Am” had a compelling ring of truth. I remember thinking; the Gospel really is Good News after all! The truth can indeed set one free.
I was always convinced that God loves people – isn’t that the verse we learned first as children, “for God so loved the world”! But I always had this nagging feeling that He didn’t love me personally with my unique profile of heart needs. Certainly, He can’t possibly like me nor could He actually be pleased with me. As TrueFaced so forcefully presents, that is the outcome of striving to please God. You never put enough points on God’s scoreboard to win his approval. Surprisingly, He isn’t even keeping score!!
The weekend there nudged me to reconsider how I viewed God and how I relate to him. The deeply embedded thought patterns of having to continually earn his love are being pried loose. It is finally sinking in that God already loves me personally and uniquely and I don’t have to impress Him. When Jesus said, “Your heavenly Father knows you need these things” – He was talking about heart needs as well as food and shelter.
Getting to know God in this way is proving to be such a revitalizing adventure! My weekend in the TrueFaced seminar planted those seeds – for which I am thankful.

It had been almost two decades since I had first smoked pot, and rarely a day passed that I had not used or pursued the use of some mind-altering substance. My addiction had progressed into harder drugs like cocaine and methamphetamines, and it was taking its toll on my life. Homeless, penniless, hopeless and lost, I was finally arrested and incarcerated, and though I didn’t know it at the time, my life would take an incredible new direction. In fact, my life was about to begin.
I was sentenced to six months in jail, during which I detoxed and sobered up. I befriended a man who suggested I go to a church service run by volunteers. He told me that they were serving coffee and donuts, and that won me over immediately (you may not know, but they don’t feed you too well in jail). I don’t remember a lot of what the person leading the service said that day, but I do remember that he was sincere, and I was sure he was convinced that this Jesus guy he was talking about was real. I went to every church service in the jail from then on, and before long I came to know for certain that Jesus was real and He was changing me. I asked Him into my heart and to forgive my sins, which were many.

After being released from jail I went to a halfway house. I had nothing to my name except my Bible from jail and the hope of a better life with God. After visiting a church where I didn’t feel like I fit in too well, my roommate took me to a church in Phoenix. He said he had gone to seminary school with one of the leaders. I figured if my roommate from the halfway house knew someone who was a leader from a church then I would have to check it out!

When I walked into the place it felt like time stood still. I was still reeling a bit from the warm welcome I received at the door, but there was something about the atmosphere in this place . . . I am not a good enough writer to describe it, so all I can say is that I knew immediately that I was home! I didn’t know it but the environment of grace that God had so lovingly drawn me to would affect my life then, now, and perhaps for the rest of my days. I heard the preacher talk about how Christ lives inside of me now and the new identity God has given me will form me from the inside out if I could just trust it. He told me that God had great dreams for me and that he would heal me and prepare me for them in His time and His way; all I had to do was just trust Him.

It was almost three years ago that I was going through the TrueFaced study when it occurred to me that the dreams were coming true. I was drug and alcohol free. I was married to the most wonderful woman in the world, and was learning to be a dad (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) to her four kids. I was playing drums on the worship team, and as loud as I was they still put up with me. Most of all I no longer identified myself as the old me. I wasn’t the hopeless drug addict anymore; I was Christ-in-Mike. AA helps keep me clean, but grace has made me free! Sure, I still have issues, some of them pretty ugly, but that was and still is ok. I don’t have to hide anymore behind the pretense that ‘I’m fine’, because often I am not. But more often I am doing quite well, and when I look back at how far God has brought me, I always well up with tears, just like I am right now.

Today I get to give back. The TrueFaced study brought me to a place where I could see and believe that God could use me to fulfill both His purpose for me and my dreams at the same time. It was there that God gave me the idea to go back to the jails and tell others about His love and grace. I asked permission and support from the church leadership to start a jail ministry. Today the church’s jail ministry provides four services every week to inmates in Maricopa County who are just as starved for hope as I was when I was in there. I can’t put into words how grateful I am for the life Jesus bought for me with His shed blood. Today I am comfortable in my own skin, and I am not afraid to let others see the real me because I know who I am and who He has made me: Christ-in Mike Elia!!!

As I think about it, most of my life has been spent trying to please people. As a child, I tried to please my parents. As a student, I tried to please my teachers. As an employee, I tried to please my employer, and as a husband, I tried to please my wife. It was very natural for me as a Christian, to try and please God. I have always had good intentions, but because of my insecurity, it put me in a place of consistently not measuring up.

In December 2006 our church had a men’s breakfast; Bill Thrall was the speaker. He talked about the value of building trust with people. In addition to making several statements such as “without trust it is impossible to please God” and “we cannot love without trust,” he asked several penetrating questions. One question was “Do we really know and care about each other?” I was personally challenged. The following summer I went through the small group study, TrueFaced, with three other guys who were at that breakfast. We gained a deeper understanding of each other. The safe environment that was built had a very practical impact. We have experienced the meaning of doing life together in a fresh new way. We have gained strength and encouragement from our deeper friendship.

The process of moving from a place of pleasing to trusting has not been easy. In fact, I find it is hard work, but the work is worth it. The level of personal freedom I feel as I trust God for the results is great. As I trust God, I have found greater personal power to live the principle of “I am not responsible for the results of my obedience to the Lord.”